Friday

Can it be so simple?  A tear in the liver! Wow, they can fix that can’t they? The doctor says that Jacob’s liver had a tear in it and that is why he was leaking blood.  They could not sew it together because the stitches would cause a hole bigger than what was there.  They decided to use surgical tape that would eventually disappear and hopefully that would hold it together. We have taped the baby’s liver together and it seems to be holding.  Awesome. Go God! Something so simple as tape.  We should use that on everything. Jacob comes out of surgery looking like a mummy from the sternum to his waist.  He is still on the ventilator and there are still thousands of tubes everywhere, but he is steady and there are signs of a peaceful restful time for him.  Still a long way to go, but the signs are there.

After a long day at the hospital on Friday of just watching him sleep, and lots of prayer in the chapel, we finally make our way to the Ronald McDonald House.  Just trying to rest and get Mary some rest.  The journey has been long, but it is still a long way from over.  Say our prayers, pray for Jacob’s healing, and go to sleep.  Wake up and call the NICU, peaceful night and he did okay.  Decide to take a shower.  Phone rings, NICU, get here things have gone south. Rushing to hospital.  As we walk in we see that he has coded and they are reviving him.  He is so tiny that heart compressions are done with one index finger.  He is struggling and he is suffering.  They give him a shot to make his heart beat again.  He responds, but not for long. He is not going to make it!! The doctor says he is shutting down.  They can keep reviving him but it is not going to help.  He is dying. NOOOOOOOOOO! We are supposed to play ball, we are going to play with his puppy Laddie that Aunt Robin got him!  He is going to be a drummer because that’s what Daddy does. He is going home to be healed! He is going back to the Father, mission accomplished. No God! He is mine.  We have waited for him.  He is our little boy.  RAGE, ANGER.  God you are not fair. This sucks.  This is horrible.  This is for people who don’t listen to you, who don’t care.  Why do you take care of the slut’s children who has ten kids and doesn’t care about them and you are taking ours?  Why why Why?

“Would you like for us to continue to revive him?” Yes, No, Maybe, I don’t know.  Finally no.  He is so little and so bruised and he is not going to make it.  They cannot do surgery again.  There is just nothing to be done.  Jacob is going home after just a few days on earth.  This is awful. This is the hardest thing to ever have to say, or to face. Just let him die.  Are you kidding?  C’mon God.  Your turn.  Fix this.

“Do you want to hold him?” the nurse asks. No, I say.  Yes, my 21 year old wife says.  You can’t hurt him the nurse says. Mary holds him, everyone kind of holds him and everyone is crying. I don’t want to hold him.  If I don’t hold him he won’t go away.  He will stay here with me. But his vital signs start to go. He is going home.  I have to hold that boy and kiss him and love him. I have waited for you and now you are leaving.  I love you so much. Why God?  Why my son?  Why not someone else’s child? the only answer is a very quiet, “Why not you?” And then he was gone. No more breaths, no more heartbeats, no more movement, no more son. Goodbye Jacob Tyler McCoy.  I love you! God this isn’t the way it is supposed to be.  My heart is totally broken into a billion pieces and the look on Mary’s face is one of utter shock and dismay.

Love yunz and I am done for now,

Tim